bleak

words/07-06-2017.md

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+# 07-06-2017
+
+Some days I feel like I've got life all figured out and decide that even though there
+are some kinks, floating through space and witnessing the great chaotic spectacle of life is pretty great.
+
+On other days I stand in the kitchen alternating between eating leftover pizza and drinking olives directly from a jar while spitting the pips at the bin, missing 60% of the time.
+After a hard mental battle over whether or not to go and exercise I opt to crack open a beer, throw the cap at the bin, miss that too, and consign myself to another night of hermitage.
+
+First, I have to undo the preliminary work towards a healthy lifestyle done by my past, more motivated self. This person took special care to ride their bicycle home from work, abandoning many useful items, including the scarf I will probably want to wear tomorrow at the office contained within a tote bag they continue to use, even though it is completely useless for a cyclist.
+
+Whilst still riding the wave of endorphins and adrenaline released by being constantly tested by oblivious peak hour drivers, this person brought a bicycle, a helmet, a lock that was supposed to be pretty good quality but is now in pieces and lacking the plastic clip for attaching it to your clothing that pushed its price into triple figures, and dumped these things squarely in front of their bedroom door with the intention of removing their jacket, putting on some already chalky pants and immediately turning around to head to the gym.
+
+Where did it all go wrong? Perhaps it was a text message from a climbing partner saying they were too busy to go, or the chilly winter winds outside? Maybe it was a stubborn pain in the shoulder leftover from the last session subtly suggesting that another workout would do more harm than good.
+Your guess is as good as mine, but I would venture that it was too difficult to fetch the chalky pants, still resting comfortably in the dirty clothes basket, with a bicycle and all in the way.
+
+Such an obstacle can hardly be left to obstruct a quality night of laziness, and so a brief adventure into the cold begins. The first encounter on this trip is a well-meaning neighbour who comments that he, his partner, and their pair of Russian Gray cats thought that I had moved out because none of them had seen or heard from me in some time. Initial feelings of belonging to a community that cares and had noticed my absense subside and are replaced by the alienating realisation that despite going to sleep less than 10 metres from these people every night none of us have crossed paths in months.
+
+"Nah mate, still here, just been keeping busy, see you round." I say as I descend to the ground floor and make my way into the storage room. I gingerly wheel past a gauntlet of cheap bicycle shaped objects that are either chained obnoxiously to the handrail in the walkway or from wall mounted bike racks that give insufficient clearance for the Foodora boxes strapped to their rears. The majority of cycles on both sides sit untouched since the end of their owners' last health kick, as dusty as the béton brut surrounding them. After running into about 5 bicycles, catching my boot laces on a pedal and realising that the broken half of the bike lock is still in my jacket pocket I arrive at the cage where that do-gooder past version of myself not 5 minutes ago said to himself "Actually no, I won't put the bike away, gonna ride it to the gym right now anyway" and decided to wheel it upstairs.
+
+"Maybe a cautionary tale of man's growing dependence on technology told as an anthology of anime shorts will make for some good viewing" I think as I make my way back upstairs, crossing paths with concerned neighbour for the second time in several months as he makes his way outside for a cigarette.
+
+A golden opportunity! I plan to kill birds with stones as I drop off my phone and wallet, grab a dart left over from the weekend that's been tempting me and head (back) downstairs, excited to share it with my estranged neighbour over a conversation about the dichotomy of apartment buildings that bring people into proximity but keep them profoundly separated, at the same time building up a plausible sounding excuse to tell my brain for breaking my own rule of not smoking during the working week.
+
+On the way I pass another neighbour, this one holding an enormous leek in a plastic bag, who confides in me that she actually has no idea what to do with it. I tell her I hear it's good for roasting, a claim I can in no way substantiate, and walk outside with a smile on my face, cigarette between my teeth and lighter in hand only to see that my neighbour who has been banished to the ground level for his vice is on the phone to somebody I can only assume is very far away.
+
+"Maybe a cautionary tale of man's growing dependence on technology told as an anthology of anime shorts will make for some good viewing" I think as I return upstairs for the third time, still fiending for a cigarette.
+
+--ntr

words/07-08-2017.md

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+07-08-2017
+
+I cannot sleep. I tried to, but as I lay staring at the ceiling with eyes wide open, the memories 
+of the few strokes of reality's fabric that I have had all banded together and flipped themselves, 
+from a glimpse of something beautiful into a horrific angst and I simply lay there, 
+paralysed with existential dread.
+
+That dread is fading from me now as I type these words, partly in distraction and partly in hope
+that I can relate the feeling to another person. I searched my mind for somebody to call and speak
+to but I don't know anybody as prone to nocturnality as myself. Another time.
+
+For now I am tempering my malcontent with sympathy for a group of people I cannot help but feel
+are sorely misunderstood: the (rarely) humble economists.
+It is clear to all that our universe consists of wonderous interplays systems built on top of 
+other equally complicated systems. The science of biology (and I think none will dispute that it
+is indeed a science) is an emergent property of the field of chemistry, itself beholden to the
+physical forces of elementary particles, described by quantum theories in ever more abstract 
+applications of pure mathematics with a few choice variables.
+
+From biology we work upwards: ecology, how do the watery carbon based machines built from these 
+blueprints interact with each other? Psychology: how do these machines interact with themselves?
+Suddenly we come to a halt though, as we often hear that economics is not a _real_ science,
+simply a study of money making.
+
+There is in fact no Nobel Prize in economics. There is the `Nobel Memorial Prize in 
+Economic Sciences`, conceived by the central bank of Sweden in 1968 to celebrate 300 years of said 
+money making, which does include the term `Science` but even so, a member of the Nobel family,
+Peter Nobel, Alfred's great grand nephew is quoted as saying 
+"[t]he Economics Prize has nestled itself in and is awarded as if it were a Nobel Prize. 
+But it's a PR coup by economists to improve their reputation."^1
+
+Quite a slander, and up until recently I felt much the same, but I feel we are marching ceacelessly
+into an economically powered world that has all the nuances of ecology, psychology, mathematics,
+game theory and many other fields being executed simultaneously. 
+What would you call the application of several sciences at once if not a science?
+
+In economics as in every other corner of reality, efficiency is held in the highest regard.
+If you are more efficient than a competitor, perhaps because you have some innovation such as a 
+loving workforce that doesn't mind coming in on Saturday, you can outmaneuvre them. 
+In economics this means making money; it finds clear parallels in other avenues of life because
+simply, there is no distiction between economics and any other part of life. A lion might be 
+terrifying and huge but if you are quick with your hands and good with a spear you are more
+more efficient than a lion and so it will not eat you. 
+
+Any sensible left leaning person's intuition will tell them that killing other humans is very bad,
+and it is. It's also really inefficient! Many hands make light work, if there is only you around
+there's lots to be done and not many people to do it.
+
+^2
+I don't think it's an accident that what people's intuition tells them is just or good often
+overlaps with really efficient methods. It's better for us to work together than to compete with
+each other constantly, game theory shows us this is the case in even its most basic game: 
+the prisoners' dilemma^3.
+
+Of course we wouldn't be here if all we did was cooperate (wishfully) with other entities. 
+Sometimes competition is necessary, humans didn't become the apex predator of the (known) universe
+by hoping that lions would let us be, we banded together and outmaneuvred them, taking over
+the environment around us. The trick is seeing when, and in fact with whom we need to band together 
+and when we need to compete.
+
+In my mind competition is really just evolution happening. Evolution never, ever stops happening,
+the environment just changes, and this is so now. 
+
+Humanity has passed a point where we routinely compete with other species, now our competition is
+within ourselves. I feel humanity is approaching a time when we need to sub-speciate. Just as
+physical characteristics create diversity in organisms via evolution, so do ideals in human 
+populations. 
+
+It's not okay to tolerate opinions and ideals that are clearly against the common good, tolerance
+is not competition, it is the equivalent of negotiating with lions. The most powerful nation on 
+the planet has elected a warmongering fool into its highest postion, and they did so because 
+fascism is very very efficient, it motivates people in insane ways.
+
+To me the left has no such band at the moment. We can't tell our friends from our enemies and
+are being outmaneuvred.
+
+I feel lost.
+
+
+1. https://web.archive.org/web/20071014012248/http://www.thelocal.se/2173/20050928/
+2. at this point i am really struggling to get my thoughts down cohesively. everything in
+	my mind is woven together so tightly.
+3.  ```Two members of a criminal gang are arrested and imprisoned. Each prisoner is in solitary 
+confinement with no means of communicating with the other. The prosecutors lack sufficient evidence 
+to convict the pair on the principal charge. They hope to get both sentenced to a year in prison on 
+a lesser charge. Simultaneously, the prosecutors offer each prisoner a bargain. Each prisoner is 
+given the opportunity either to: betray the other by testifying that the other committed the crime, 
+or to cooperate with the other by remaining silent. The offer is:
+If A and B each betray the other, each of them serves 2 years in prison
+If A betrays B but B remains silent, A will be set free and B will serve 3 years in prison (and vice versa)
+If A and B both remain silent, both of them will only serve 1 year in prison (on the lesser charge)
+```
+
+Money is an abstraction humans have created to represent power in a world where making food is 
+actually a bit too easy and they have to find something else to do.

words/09-11-2023-JT.md

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+today was difficult for a wide variety of reasons.
+it's natural to have a low after such a spectacular morning but events took a grim turn after dropping you off
+
+i had planned on telling my therapist of how how positive my outlook is recently
+but on the drive another slip of concentration caused me to almost have a serious accident.
+
+the combination of forgetting the suitcase, parking ticket, missing turns
+and finally almost being collected in the middle of an intersection worried me so much it was the first thing
+i mentioned in the session and we spent a great amount of time discussing it.
+
+what had started in the initial sessions as an acknowledgement of my struggles connecting with people 
+and quirks of what i find interesting has suddenly become a serious conversation about my life expectancy,
+medications and vague mentions of changes to my personality.
+
+unsurprisingly i'm pretty attached to who i am as a person.
+in my therapist words: "i love you for yourself"
+i sensed the hidden meaning; hearing this from a person i see infrequently disturbed me, at the time not a great deal, but by the evening extremely.
+how would my relationships with the people close to me change?
+would i lose some spark, some edge, some fundamental endearing aspect
+that has given me such a beautiful group of friends and also attracted you to me?
+
+the topic of conversation gradually turned to you,
+i have generally felt a lack of understanding from people when detailing 
+the reasons why i'm so attached to you, what is so exciting about the idea of us being together to me.
+this was no exception, but i did get a sense of positivity from his responses to my hesitations 
+about it perhaps being too soon or moving too quickly that my instincts are serving me well 
+and that this all feels right to me because i am healing and growing.
+
+in parting i asked him about your feeling of me; his demeanour instantly changed
+and he sternly told me that this was not something that i should concern myself with.
+at the time i did not understand why, but in writing this now i do.
+
+i went to the gym after eating, and in fact i had many great interactions
+and events to tell you about, but by the time i had made dinner and read how
+concerned you are about this sense of danger you're feeling that i wasn't sure
+how you'd react to such a severe change of tone and thought it better not to share.
+
+i have the sense now that you're closing off to me to protect yourself, i can understand that.
+i made a few attempts at writing something reassuring, but on reading them i realised that
+anything i say to alleviate your worry could reinforce it instead, and i understood why my therapist had cautioned me.
+
+i have to tread lightly, this is your puzzle to solve.
+i truly hope you can reconcile your thoughts and actions and we can continue building a loving and exciting relationship together
+
+--ntr

words/2023-11-15-JT.md

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+my dear jt,
+
+i have read your own letter to me many times, it brings me no end of joy to see your spoken words written down in ink for me to read when i am feeling unsure whether you have actually said them.
+
+at times i find it quite difficult to believe that your feelings for me are real, not because of any action or words on your part, but because you have met me at what i am certain is the lowest period of my entire life. never before has chaos and uncertainty been so rife in my everyday affairs, challenges great and small seem to be equally difficult to manage and i feel like i am constantly under siege although objectively i can name few actual struggles.
+
+yet i have so much to be thankful for, the combination of my friends, their care for me and blind chance have lead me to you. i cannot also claim that i loved you at first sight, although certainly once i saw you in front of me i found it impossible to pay attention to anything else. by the time we were melting into the couch at the black cat i knew absolutely that you were everything i needed and more. i suppose i am also an oven that needs time to warm up in terms of my emotions.
+
+i was taken aback at your description of us floating on the sea because at many times in my life have i described myself as being adrift in a small ship on a calm and windless ocean, under a gray sky, with no land in sight. such a predicament could be both pleasant and terrifying; i have always interpreted it in a positive way.
+
+you said you sensed apprehension in me, and i agree that it is there.
+i find the shape and form of your fantasies exciting and confronting at the same time. they sit in such stark contrast to the kind of intimacy we are building together, and although the time is far away i worry that in exploring them we would put our relationship on a knife's edge.
+
+there is a thrill there as well however, and if nothing is risked nothing can be gained. i know we will face difficult moments but the care and clear communication we've shown to each other makes me certain that they will temper the strength of our relationship like a hot piece of steel being thrust into water.
+
+water has represented itself so significantly in our time together already: our swim in diamond bay, the conversation on the dark river bank and again as a vision of us together on the ocean. i mentioned i felt adrift, although i see now that the sea is no longer calm.
+
+i also feel the wave rising beneath us. in what direction it is carrying us and whether we will get there safely i neither know nor care, i only want to ride the wave with you.
+
+i love you
+
+yours,
+ntr
+

words/a-curse-2025-edit.md

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+I curse ye!
+
+below the waves
+below the sea
+thrust down deep
+under the trident's tines three
+
+crushed
+cracked and
+cleaned
+by crustaceans
+and cetecean
+
+the light ever weak
+the end never near
+in the black ink of night
+for year upon year
+
+grasped tight by lines
+and wracked in defeat
+with no final rest
+and no maker to meet
+
+so I curse you!
+
+to the bottom
+to drown endlessly
+
+to be forgotten
+forever
+
+a part of the sea

words/a-curse.md

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+I curse ye!
+
+below the waves
+below the sea
+thrust down deep
+under the trident's tines three
+
+crushed
+cracked and
+cleaned
+by crustaceans
+cetecea
+
+with light ever weak
+an end never near
+in black ink of night
+year upon year
+
+grasped tight by lines
+and wracked by defeat
+with no final rest
+and no maker to meet
+
+so I curse you!
+to the bottom
+to drown endlessly
+
+to be forgotten
+forever
+a part of the sea

words/a-dream.md

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+### a dream
+
+i dreamed of red in every form
+a muted rumble a raging storm
+
+i dreamed in red all through the night
+black sky above the world set alight
+
+shades of red
+hate through to love
+gentle below and violent above
+
+i dreamed with red as all that i knew
+and woke beneath a sky that was blue

words/daniel-avery-tickets.md

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+just as all roads lead to rome, so too do the infinite laneways of the universe's path 
+through time lead to this moment.
+from the very first day i opened my eyes and was aware of myself as an entity living
+in connection with the great cosmic masterpiece, i saw this inevitable end.
+the necessity of it consumed me, every waking moment was in keeping with this one outcome;
+every action, no matter how minute, was seen to in some way facilitate its requirements.
+so when the time came upon me, i felt as though a great burden had been placed
+upon me, but knowledge of its forecoming had prepared me to bear it with ease.
+when daniel avery's sideshow was announced to be at revs, and the question was asked of me:
+how many tickets?
+it was not a question at all, it was statement that the moment had finally come.
+my selfish wants played no part; i knew others needed me even if they did not know it themselves, 
+and like a concert pianist playing his favourite piece, my hands moved with a life of their own and selected: 
+4 tickets

words/fmk.md

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+exhilarate
+assimilate
+annihilate

words/neon-cover-letter.md

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+Hello!
+
+In my last role as Engineering Manager I inherited a disorderly and overgrown Mongo database, several versions out of date and with no migrations or schema to speak of. 
+
+As I've used and promoted Postgres consistently in my personal and professional projects, suffice it to say the opportunity your team offers to work with contributors to the project and learn about its internals is extremely exciting to me!
+
+Additionally, I have had extensive experience with the Rust programming language since 2016 in a variety of contexts ranging from data transformation pipelines for geospatial data to the core logic of a turn based strategy game.
+
+You can find the remainder of my CV at:
+https://strix.systems
+
+Please don't hesistate to contact me by email at ntr@strix.systems for any further details.
+
+--ntr

words/refendum.md

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+Working Title: Earth's Referendum
+
+(A novel written with version control)
+
+### Do this:
+Contact somebody involved with KIC8462852 what happens when a new star is catalogued.
+
+
+### Concepts / tech stuff
+KIC8462852 nicknames:
+    kicks
+
+cryptography concepts used for the calculations of faster routes to the system
+     inflection points in DH used to find slingshots from nearby stars
+
+what would humanity do differently if we KNEW we weren't alone
+
+similarities between large and small scale universe
+- how humans react to bateria, virii, other animals
+- how the sphere would react to humans
+- sphere oppressing those inside, preventing them from knowing about outside universe?
+
+
+### 2015
+The star KIC8462852 is observed in 2015 to have a light pattern resembling that of a star surrounded by a dyson sphere. This possibility is upheld by progressively more rigorous scientific investigation during the years following the star's initial observation.
+
+As time progresses, the knowledge that extraterrestrial life exists begins to have profound implications on the direction of the lives of people living on Earth. Over time it becomes the main focus of 50% of people everywhere's lives.
+
+An Earth-wide referendum is held concerning a mission to the star. Technology exists that can send a ship to KIC8462852 within 10,000 years. A referendum is held concerning the construction of an ark ship to be sent to explore the star and the possibly hostile response it may provoke from the system.
+
+## 3015
+Primary Earth production has been moved to near KIC8462852. The star is proved to be a complete dyson sphere. For many years attempts to make contact yield nothing. The sphere remains highly enigmatic as the exterior of it has been constructed to be impervious as well
+Earth reuses the technology it used to travel to the star to visit several other systems with indications of life but no promising results are found. (they have to leave KIC8462852 because no resources available outside the sphere?)
+Describes the return to pre 2015 lifestyles for humans as interest in whether or not the sphere is conscious or contains conscious beings wanes.
+
+## 4015
+KIC8462852 begins transmitting a signal. Humanity begins to regather outside the sphere system and await developments, hoping for insights into the sphere's inner construction and inner workings. The system begins to assault the humans.
+- They are scattered across the galaxy from exploring?
+- They have begun building their own sphere?
+
+# Epilogue: 12015
+The original lost Earth ark arrives at KIC8462852 and explores the wreckage left outside the sphere.

words/thoughts.md

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+## 2017-10-05
+re: Derived from 16th-century English, "coil" refers to tumults or troubles. Used idiomatically, the phrase means "the bustle and turmoil of this mortal life". ... It was coined repeatedly; at various times people have used it as a verb to mean "to cull", "to thrash", "to lay in rings or spirals", "to turn", "to mound hay" and "to stir".
+
+all of the above can be seen to be characterised by a circling movement
+
+
+
+## 2017-09-25
+
+do children who are around agressive dogs learn to cope with fear earlier / better?
+do

words/wwwww.md

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+            featuring
+------------------------------------
+              you
+              me
+             friends
+             family
+------------------------------------
+            ad free
+            no fee
+         never before
+         never again
+          only showing
+           one time
+             here
+              now
+             live
+            on earth