bleak

words/09-11-2023-JT.md

@@ -0,0 +1,45 @@
+today was difficult for a wide variety of reasons.
+it's natural to have a low after such a spectacular morning but events took a grim turn after dropping you off
+
+i had planned on telling my therapist of how how positive my outlook is recently
+but on the drive another slip of concentration caused me to almost have a serious accident.
+
+the combination of forgetting the suitcase, parking ticket, missing turns
+and finally almost being collected in the middle of an intersection worried me so much it was the first thing
+i mentioned in the session and we spent a great amount of time discussing it.
+
+what had started in the initial sessions as an acknowledgement of my struggles connecting with people 
+and quirks of what i find interesting has suddenly become a serious conversation about my life expectancy,
+medications and vague mentions of changes to my personality.
+
+unsurprisingly i'm pretty attached to who i am as a person.
+in my therapist words: "i love you for yourself"
+i sensed the hidden meaning; hearing this from a person i see infrequently disturbed me, at the time not a great deal, but by the evening extremely.
+how would my relationships with the people close to me change?
+would i lose some spark, some edge, some fundamental endearing aspect
+that has given me such a beautiful group of friends and also attracted you to me?
+
+the topic of conversation gradually turned to you,
+i have generally felt a lack of understanding from people when detailing 
+the reasons why i'm so attached to you, what is so exciting about the idea of us being together to me.
+this was no exception, but i did get a sense of positivity from his responses to my hesitations 
+about it perhaps being too soon or moving too quickly that my instincts are serving me well 
+and that this all feels right to me because i am healing and growing.
+
+in parting i asked him about your feeling of me; his demeanour instantly changed
+and he sternly told me that this was not something that i should concern myself with.
+at the time i did not understand why, but in writing this now i do.
+
+i went to the gym after eating, and in fact i had many great interactions
+and events to tell you about, but by the time i had made dinner and read how
+concerned you are about this sense of danger you're feeling that i wasn't sure
+how you'd react to such a severe change of tone and thought it better not to share.
+
+i have the sense now that you're closing off to me to protect yourself, i can understand that.
+i made a few attempts at writing something reassuring, but on reading them i realised that
+anything i say to alleviate your worry could reinforce it instead, and i understood why my therapist had cautioned me.
+
+i have to tread lightly, this is your puzzle to solve.
+i truly hope you can reconcile your thoughts and actions and we can continue building a loving and exciting relationship together
+
+--ntr