bleak

words/2023-11-15-JT.md

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+my dear jt,
+
+i have read your own letter to me many times, it brings me no end of joy to see your spoken words written down in ink for me to read when i am feeling unsure whether you have actually said them.
+
+at times i find it quite difficult to believe that your feelings for me are real, not because of any action or words on your part, but because you have met me at what i am certain is the lowest period of my entire life. never before has chaos and uncertainty been so rife in my everyday affairs, challenges great and small seem to be equally difficult to manage and i feel like i am constantly under siege although objectively i can name few actual struggles.
+
+yet i have so much to be thankful for, the combination of my friends, their care for me and blind chance have lead me to you. i cannot also claim that i loved you at first sight, although certainly once i saw you in front of me i found it impossible to pay attention to anything else. by the time we were melting into the couch at the black cat i knew absolutely that you were everything i needed and more. i suppose i am also an oven that needs time to warm up in terms of my emotions.
+
+i was taken aback at your description of us floating on the sea because at many times in my life have i described myself as being adrift in a small ship on a calm and windless ocean, under a gray sky, with no land in sight. such a predicament could be both pleasant and terrifying; i have always interpreted it in a positive way.
+
+you said you sensed apprehension in me, and i agree that it is there.
+i find the shape and form of your fantasies exciting and confronting at the same time. they sit in such stark contrast to the kind of intimacy we are building together, and although the time is far away i worry that in exploring them we would put our relationship on a knife's edge.
+
+there is a thrill there as well however, and if nothing is risked nothing can be gained. i know we will face difficult moments but the care and clear communication we've shown to each other makes me certain that they will temper the strength of our relationship like a hot piece of steel being thrust into water.
+
+water has represented itself so significantly in our time together already: our swim in diamond bay, the conversation on the dark river bank and again as a vision of us together on the ocean. i mentioned i felt adrift, although i see now that the sea is no longer calm.
+
+i also feel the wave rising beneath us. in what direction it is carrying us and whether we will get there safely i neither know nor care, i only want to ride the wave with you.
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+i love you
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+yours,
+ntr
+