2.8 KiB
today was difficult for a wide variety of reasons. it's natural to have a low after such a spectacular morning but events took a grim turn after dropping you off
i had planned on telling my therapist of how how positive my outlook is recently but on the drive another slip of concentration caused me to almost have a serious accident.
the combination of forgetting the suitcase, parking ticket, missing turns and finally almost being collected in the middle of an intersection worried me so much it was the first thing i mentioned in the session and we spent a great amount of time discussing it.
what had started in the initial sessions as an acknowledgement of my struggles connecting with people and quirks of what i find interesting has suddenly become a serious conversation about my life expectancy, medications and vague mentions of changes to my personality.
unsurprisingly i'm pretty attached to who i am as a person. in my therapist words: "i love you for yourself" i sensed the hidden meaning; hearing this from a person i see infrequently disturbed me, at the time not a great deal, but by the evening extremely. how would my relationships with the people close to me change? would i lose some spark, some edge, some fundamental endearing aspect that has given me such a beautiful group of friends and also attracted you to me?
the topic of conversation gradually turned to you, i have generally felt a lack of understanding from people when detailing the reasons why i'm so attached to you, what is so exciting about the idea of us being together to me. this was no exception, but i did get a sense of positivity from his responses to my hesitations about it perhaps being too soon or moving too quickly that my instincts are serving me well and that this all feels right to me because i am healing and growing.
in parting i asked him about your feeling of me; his demeanour instantly changed and he sternly told me that this was not something that i should concern myself with. at the time i did not understand why, but in writing this now i do.
i went to the gym after eating, and in fact i had many great interactions and events to tell you about, but by the time i had made dinner and read how concerned you are about this sense of danger you're feeling that i wasn't sure how you'd react to such a severe change of tone and thought it better not to share.
i have the sense now that you're closing off to me to protect yourself, i can understand that. i made a few attempts at writing something reassuring, but on reading them i realised that anything i say to alleviate your worry could reinforce it instead, and i understood why my therapist had cautioned me.
i have to tread lightly, this is your puzzle to solve. i truly hope you can reconcile your thoughts and actions and we can continue building a loving and exciting relationship together
--ntr