46 lines
2.8 KiB
Markdown
46 lines
2.8 KiB
Markdown
today was difficult for a wide variety of reasons.
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it's natural to have a low after such a spectacular morning but events took a grim turn after dropping you off
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i had planned on telling my therapist of how how positive my outlook is recently
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but on the drive another slip of concentration caused me to almost have a serious accident.
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the combination of forgetting the suitcase, parking ticket, missing turns
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and finally almost being collected in the middle of an intersection worried me so much it was the first thing
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i mentioned in the session and we spent a great amount of time discussing it.
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what had started in the initial sessions as an acknowledgement of my struggles connecting with people
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and quirks of what i find interesting has suddenly become a serious conversation about my life expectancy,
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medications and vague mentions of changes to my personality.
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unsurprisingly i'm pretty attached to who i am as a person.
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in my therapist words: "i love you for yourself"
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i sensed the hidden meaning; hearing this from a person i see infrequently disturbed me, at the time not a great deal, but by the evening extremely.
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how would my relationships with the people close to me change?
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would i lose some spark, some edge, some fundamental endearing aspect
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that has given me such a beautiful group of friends and also attracted you to me?
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the topic of conversation gradually turned to you,
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i have generally felt a lack of understanding from people when detailing
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the reasons why i'm so attached to you, what is so exciting about the idea of us being together to me.
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this was no exception, but i did get a sense of positivity from his responses to my hesitations
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about it perhaps being too soon or moving too quickly that my instincts are serving me well
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and that this all feels right to me because i am healing and growing.
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in parting i asked him about your feeling of me; his demeanour instantly changed
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and he sternly told me that this was not something that i should concern myself with.
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at the time i did not understand why, but in writing this now i do.
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i went to the gym after eating, and in fact i had many great interactions
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and events to tell you about, but by the time i had made dinner and read how
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concerned you are about this sense of danger you're feeling that i wasn't sure
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how you'd react to such a severe change of tone and thought it better not to share.
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i have the sense now that you're closing off to me to protect yourself, i can understand that.
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i made a few attempts at writing something reassuring, but on reading them i realised that
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anything i say to alleviate your worry could reinforce it instead, and i understood why my therapist had cautioned me.
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i have to tread lightly, this is your puzzle to solve.
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i truly hope you can reconcile your thoughts and actions and we can continue building a loving and exciting relationship together
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--ntr
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